When closed doors start opening.

Life was different a year ago and so did I...

A year ago, today, life was different. I was dreaming, and I wasn’t afraid of it. It felt safe to dream, to manifest, it was not a kind of nightmare for me, or something that horrifies me. But then, the dream shattered like the piece of mirror I was staring into, breaking piece by piece just because I had a glimpse of it?

let’s be straightforward instead of talking in metaphorical terms. I was a dreamer, someone who wanted the well-being of the people around her. I was a premed student dreaming of being in a medical college, but unfortunately, like the rest of thousands of students, I failed to ace it. I still remember how my brother reacted, what my mother said, how my relatives saw me with sympathy, and how some of them mocked me.

Ah! out of the blue this poetry popped up in my mind:

اندر کی ٹُوٹ پُھوٹ میں ٹُوٹے ہیں لفظ بھی

دورانِ گفتگو یوں اَٹکتا نہیں تھا میں

In the wreckage within, even my words have shattered—
I never used to falter like this while speaking.

Something like this happened to me in the past year. I stumbled on my own words now; I felt the need to break so that I won’t start crying. Tonight, it’s raining, nature is screaming, so I decided to accompany it.

Anyways, let’s continue. I failed (though I don’t consider it a failure, but that’s how society thinks.) Same year, the test was reconducted, it felt as if fate is being kind to me, but life had other plans and so did I. I haven’t considered that chance and left that field by choice (I wish people can understand this, but even if they don’t, I’m fine.)

Now, if you ask how I felt throughout the process, I was hurt, but at the same time, I was content. I strongly believe that what we miss is not meant for us, and what’s meant for us is not missed. And above all, Allah is the best planner. And if someone asks me about giving up on my dream, then I haven’t given up on it, I never will, I have simply changed the way of approach.

I decided to go for additional math and seek engineering instead. This decision might sound easy, but it wasn’t. I faced criticism, questioning, and mockery that why am I switching. How will I handle it? Won’t it be difficult? I may not be able to accomplish it. What if I fail again? Why am I not taking admission now? A gap year must be hard. Taking admission in the universities I’m dreaming of is not a piece of cake (one of my friends said that, trying to be realistic, and it stayed). And then that WWE for no reason between pre-engineering group and pre-meds who pursue engineering or CS later on. Their cursing me (indirectly on online platforms) is not something new that only I was experiencing but definitely hurting.

I learnt a lot. When my khala (Aunt) is being over possessive and concerned about me (I love her but can’t help her), I realized what it is when poet says that “You kill a plant if you overwater it.” My mamu said, “Parho gi to kuch ho ga na” ( You will study only then something will happen) as if I’m happy with where I am? As if I have plotted all this by myself? And when my brother said; “Pahlay Mdcat pass kar lo phir baat karna” (Pass your mdcat(test) first then talk to me) Or when my grandmother said: “koi safarish dhoondni paray gi aisay nai hoga” ( We need to find a reference otherwise it’s not gonna work) She is old so I usually don’t mind her words but sometimes words act like a poison, they suck your blood out of your veins and leave you with bruises only.

I learnt that your closest ones can hurt you, that you are valued only when you are someone worth mentioning, with trophies on your side table and medals framed in your room. You are valued only when you can provide them with something, and these reality checks were way harsher to carry. Their weight was heavier than the weight of expectations. I learnt that when you don’t know what to do, everyone tells you what you must do. When you are confused, the world tries to take hold.

Sorry, I get emotional, and my story is left incomplete. So, I did what I decided to and by the will of Allah it went well. Alhumdulillah. I appeared in the FSC exams of Maths, appeared in the university entrance test, and secured good marks (not exceptional but enough to secure admission in desired field.) The merit positions haven’t been listed yet, but they will, at the end of July or starting August.

I’m tired of society and its third-class standards. Why do they expect everyone to be exceptionally talented? Why do they think that everything we put effort into must work out? Why do they think that they are someone with the right to dictate to us how to live? Who gave them the authority? Who gave them the right to sneak peek in every matter? To throw out their philosophies?

That’s not how you show your sincerity. Wallahi, you are breaking instead of building. You need to learn that you are spilling toxicity instead of intellect. You think you are fine to lecture someone on how they should take life decisions and what they should do while you don’t hold the courage to sit with them while they are bursting into tears, breaking piece by piece, when you aren’t accompanying them in dark horrible nights that can’t hold their grief. You can’t hold their misery and desire to hold their life?

In the past year, I have built some prominent traits and one of them is stop giving people unnecessary suggestions about how they should lead their lives or what suits them. I utter one sentence only,

“Do what makes you happy, what you genuinely want to do.”

I can still sit with them in silence but now I let them figure out their way by themselves. I still remind them that life will be kind again and that things will settle down, and that Allah Almighty will never abandon them, no matter what. However, I don’t insist them to tell me about their current life problems because it might hurt them to share.

If you are miserable at everything, just be good at one thing, not perfect, not exceptional, just good, at being understanding.

Someone who can read the faces and instantly understand what other person is comfortable talking about and what they should not bring up in the chat. Learn to be kind.

Alhumdulillah, for the paths I walked by, for the ache that made me kinder, for the poison uttered from mouths that made me humble, that surely broke me but opened my eyes to the truth. Alhumdulillah for whatever Allah SWT opened for me and whatever he closed for me for they were surely not good for me.

Huh! I was writing this while my mother came and said, start preparing for next test so that you can acheive your goal :) My mind is cooked, only garnishing is left. Will meet you after the dish is ready till then stay tuned.

Thank you for reading…

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